I had to have a full hysterectomy way back in 1987 when I was 23 . I began to have all kinds of strange things begin to happen ... Well my doctor at the time had told me I'd probably end up going into early menopause . So I began taking estrogen which only made me grow HAIR (you can begin laughing nowimageimage lol) on my toes !! So I figured I'd just tough it all out . However for the past 3 months things have gotten so severe I began to at first think I was losing my mind ... Then I began to have severe chest pains almost everyday . I began to wake up during the night with my thoughts raceing and drenched in sweat even my clothes would be soaked .
When I went in for my monthly rhuematologist appointment Friday. I was finally so scared that it was maybe my heart getting worse I'd decided to tell him . (a note , I see my rhuemy for all my medical needs as he's a MD also)
My timeing couldn't have been worse!!! The minute he came in he informs me that several of my bills had not been paid !?! He had brought it up at my last visit last month ... However he hadn't told me the total was was almost 2000.00$ He then informed me , this is the last office visit unless I hear something from your medical program within the next 2 weeks ... I have what ammounts to Medicaid . So after this bomb shell I took several deep breaths(to prevent myself from swearing at him or imageimageimageworse) and brought up my main concern . He tells me "well you're having "panic attacks" you've been having them since I first began seeing you almost 5 years ago . I was by this time so shocked and outraged that when he handed me a prescription for Xanax I just took the slips and left . He never even told me how to use this very very dangerous and for me new drug . He just told me "every time you feel an attack coming on take one pill . The strength he gave me is 1mg. if I took one tablet each time I had the symptoms, I've having every single day I'd have been taking 5 or 6 over a 10 hour period ! He didn't tell me about any side effects and he knows about my heart issues !
By the time I managed to get myself calmly out of his office and out to the parking lot , I was falling apart . My friend Gary took one look at me and said "so where do we go the main ER or the Urgent care building??" He helped me get in to his truck and I fell completely apart ... We headed to the pharmacy dropped off my scripts then I decided to try to calm down enough to do some much needed grocery shopping . I was in the store for less than 45 minutes and suddenly I couldn't breathe , had water pouring off the sides of my face and shaking all over . I got through the checkout , still have no idea how I managed to do that ...
The pharmacy lady also did not tell me anything concerning dosages , side effects etc. of Xanax .
When I got home I took one 1mg. tablet . From Friday night until Tuesday morning everything is one long blurr ...
The worst part of this nightmare is knowing that for the past 20 years I have been living a lie ! I thought there wasn't a lot I could do to help myself . Now in the space of only a few days I find there is a whole vast world of treatments for " Panic Attacks "
When my kids were little I was afraid I was losing my mind but to afraid to even ask any of the hundreds of doctors I'd been seeing over the years . I was a widow raising 3 small kids alone and at that time in several of the states we lived in even having a diagnosis of fibromyalgia was grounds for the state to label me an "unfit mother" and the state could come take my kids ...
I'm shaking all over just from finally bringing all of this out in the open . I spent most of this past week weeping and at times screaming in blind rages but mostly just mourning the 20+ years of my life I'll never get back !!!
I know sometime soon very soon the real anger is going to come . That'll be when i need my friends here the very most ...
I can promise this : the next time Craig or one of my kids does something that makes me want to scream at them I'll try as hard as I can to remind myself before I open my big mouth that those three kids and that man who drives me nuts on a daily basis are also the same people who are still here in my life "THEY NEVER GAVE UP ON ME "